The Walking 9 Month Disease

November 18, 2013

I try to stay very positive in my blog posts, however today I am going to be very real in how I have been feeling for the past week or so. Being pregnant is hard. I’m not just talking about the physical difficulties, and don’t get me wrong I have really struggled at times with the physical aspects too, but I am also talking about mentally, emotionally, financially and especially socially.

Physically: Those of my readers who have been pregnant know what I am talking about when I say, “I nearly don’t recognize myself anymore.” I have aches and pains I never knew I could in places I didn't even know I had, sleeping is getting more difficult, plumbing is on its own schedule, my skin pigment has changed in some places not to mention the additional dark freckle looking spots all over, my feet are beginning to swell up and if I sit too long my back, hips, and butt want to fall off, and to top it all, I am having to deal with the fact that I am getting bigger. I was ready for the belly to get bigger, but to see back roles, butt dimples, and my boobs growing to near the size they were before my breast reduction surgery I have just about had it with all the changes. I struggle a lot with accepting my new pregnancy looks especially because of the fat factor, and what bugs me more that anything is the fact that it bugs me. I know I am to look this way and I expected several of the changes happening, but I still struggle with the whole fat factor when I am 100% aware that I shouldn't be. I have days where I can’t look at myself in the mirror because it just reminds me of all the work I now have to do to get the body back that I had, and I am so worried that I won’t get it back. I have heard mothers talk about the fact that it’s all worth it in the end, and I believe them, but on days like this past week I sure hope they are right. 

Mentally & Emotionally: I feel like some days my head just won’t work. I know what I want to say but the wrong things come out. I stumble on ideas and thoughts and when-ever that happens I role my eyes and think, oh it’s just another pregnant moment. I just wish that those moments didn't make me feel incompetent and stupid. I understand that people probably don’t judge me as incompetent, but I can’t help but feel that way. Emotionally I feel like a basket case. I have such a hard time some days being happy, and if anyone shows even an ounce of concern for me I break down and just cry. I don’t know why, it just happens. Today even I was walking to my car for class and two guys from my class called out to me and invited me to lunch with them. I knew I was too emotionally unstable to accept even though it would have been a good thing for me to do, so I just told them I wasn't feeling well and would have to catch up with them later. I immediately began to cry the second I turned around to continue walking. I was so touched that they would even think to invite me and I was just overcome with the emotion of their genuine caring concern. 

Financially: Getting a whole new wardrobe of pants, shirts, underwear, bras (in larger sizes), coats, exercising gear, potentially new shoes, etc. has proven to be so expensive. A workout video specifically for pregnancy, additional food to fit cravings, buying clothing, bedding, toys, essentials etc. for the baby is proving to be overwhelmingly expensive and demanding of time that I don’t have to search for the good deals. Not to mention all the doctor bills and insurance copay's and month premiums… no wonder the birth rate in America is decreasing! 

Socially: I must say that although all the other affected aspects have been challenging, this one is by far the most difficult. I feel like people see me as having a 9 month disease. People don’t know how to talk to me anymore, and when they do decide to give it a go, they figure all I want to talk about is the baby. Yes, I like to talk about the baby and its fun having her kick and squirm and wiggle around inside telling me she’s alive and well, but THAT IS NOT ALL I CAN NOR WANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!! I am still a normal human being attending a Master Program. Can someone just please treat me like a normal student instead of one with a 9 month disease? I walk into a room and everyone looks at me then quickly turns their heads as they continue their conversations. My presence is acknowledged and that’s about it. Why is it so difficult for people to treat me as a friend that they want to spend time with and get to know? I sometimes just feel so judged for my decision to be a student and a mother at the same time. I feel that the only ones who truly support me in this is Matt and my close family. I guess this makes sense in the fact that all other social groups I am affiliated with don’t associate pregnancy as a norm within those groups. Attending the singles ward has been so hard in this respect. There is not one approachable person in that ward that I can rely on for help or just simply support. None of them have been in my shoes and those that have been in my shoes “don’t have time for a bishopric member’s wife when there are singles who are struggling with their lives and school etc.” No support from my church congregation. Then there is my MFT cohort. I have never been able to fit in with them ever. Once the pregnancy was public it’s still been an ongoing struggle of acceptance and willingness to become a support group. For example one class requires groups of 2 to accomplish our last assignment. There are 6 people in my cohort including me and I assumed we would simply pair off. Well the teacher said there would need to be one group of 3 so obviously the three other girls in my cohort paired up with the group of three and the two boys in my cohort paired up as a group of 2 leaving me alone and an outcast… again. I don’t know why I get so upset about it… I mean this is what I should expect since it’s how the whole semester has been thus far, why would it all of a sudden change and be different? I will always be the outcast that doesn't fit in because I am Mormon, Married, Pregnant, and apparently not a good working scholastic partner. Why is it that the two social groups I am needing to spend all my time in so difficult for me? I feel so alone most of the time and just wish that I could focus on being a mom and not have to worry about all these other issues going on around me. 

I often wonder what is it about me that causes people to drift away and avoid me. It can’t only be that I am pregnant can it? I don’t feel like I have changed in any other ways but perhaps I have. I just don’t exactly know where to go and who to turn to. Matt is a wonderful support, he loves me and tells me I’m beautiful, and he works so hard every day. I am so grateful to him and his dedication to us and our baby. Sometimes it’s just nice to have another girl friend who has been in my shoes and understands, but lucky me, there is no one. 

Again, this is just a downer day for me. I don’t regret carrying this little girl, and I don’t regret the decision Matt and I made to begin our family now. It’s just a hard thing when no one in my immediate surroundings knows how to give support nor is comfortable doing it. In the end I will be the out-cast and the one people just won’t know how to talk to. My prayer is that during my future pregnancies that I will be in a social situation where I will feel supported, loved, and welcomed. As for now it’s just a matter of getting by and looking for the good. 

I plan on tomorrow being a much better day than today.